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Entry date: 10-17-2023 – Epic & Terrible Things – Letters to My Friends

Dear Friends,


My heart is heavy for brother Michael and sister Tracey. Losing a beloved pet is one of the worst pains in life. Jules wasn’t my dog, but I have to say that I loved seeing him when I visited their home. He was a fine beast who loved a good scratch on the back or in more recent times, a nice massage of the hip area. More importantly, though, he loved Michael and Tracey with all his heart. What more can you ask for from man’s best friend.


He and Vinnie were two peas in a pod, too. I won’t ever forget seeing them come bounding for the door to get their hello pets and maybe a quick face lick. I didn’t mind getting down there and getting a kiss from the boys because I have no sense of smell. Boxers aren’t known for their fresh breath. Now, if there is any universal justice, their energy is combined again. It was probably never far apart.


Godspeed, Jules.


*****


I buried the second rat yesterday when I got home from work. I couldn’t really shake the look on his little face all day. It really was clear, if you read yesterday’s poem, that he died of a broken heart. Now he sleeps peacefully with his brother.


No more little fuzzy animals for a while, I think. Maybe ever. I get too damn attached to them. I liked doing things for them even if their tails grossed me out.


I definitely don’t want to dig any graves again any time soon.


*****


Epic Father Figures practice last night. It’s starting to feel really good. We are going to put on a good show for the peeps on 10-27 and go out with a strong finish.


*****


First day back at work was okay, too. Cocaine Baby came home from Texas and was on fire. He just can’t seem to get out of his own way. When things don’t go right with another student, he goes from trying desperately to be liked to “Fuck you!” in about two seconds. It’s very sad. There are, as I have mentioned, and few of the students who really want to like him and be his friend, but he won’t let them.


The fear of rejection is so damn strong.


We all know the feeling, too. It’s so hard to get beyond it in life. I feel for him but also feel lucky to have gotten past the point where I was so bitter with people when they didn’t do what I wanted or give me what I felt I needed.


The fear of rejection stops people from doing the things they want to do and trying new things or meeting new people. It stops people from living in such a stealthy way. When you are in the grips of doubt, you can’t see how limiting and controlling this fear really is and the power it has over your life. Sometimes you just fold and let it take over for days or weeks or longer.


So many of my students just want to be accepted. The majority of them realize by now that I’m not going to reject them, even if they fuck up and do something I have to give consequences for during the day. They know I want them to be the best they can be and understand that we all make mistakes. I have to give that speech about three times a week, but I feel it is worth it.


Coke baby, though. He doesn’t want to give anyone a chance to hurt him. He’s just doing all the hurting so when he is rejected, he can feel like he is in control. That takes so much energy.


*****


Rhondi comes home tonight.


See you tomorrow.



Until last Thursday, I had never seen a Texas shaped BBQ. Bailey was not as impressed as I was, but I don't really blame her.

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