Dear Friends,
Going back through those Mexico memories messed me up a bit. It is so strange to talk about those days and wonder what in the hell was going through my head. Was I trying to kill myself? I wonder about that a lot as I go through these recollections.
Granted, I am 33 years older than I was in those days and have a family and a good job and do my best to make my community better, but I look back and wonder what my priorities really were back then. Self-preservation has seemingly always been key for me but daring the universe to let me fry brain cells in a Mexican prison is not a good example of that.
These life experience have definitely made me who I am. They shaped how others saw me, too. I shudder at how they may be making people see me now, but I also offer these stories as a way of showing how people can change. I will keep telling them, but I did not realize how painful they would be. Life happens, and I am thankful for that, but I am also learning a lot about myself.
I hope, dear reader, that you are also learning about yourself through me. I put the forum on this site with the hope that some of these things might be worthy of discussion or questions or both. Perhaps not. I do not know. Maybe they are only interesting to me and a few others and that is fine. At this point, I am nearing 100,000 words of whatever this is and I’m getting a little punchy.
*****
Last week I was so burnt out on second graders that I seriously considered going out in a blaze of glory and shaving the head of a student. I sometimes like to jokingly say to someone who is misbehaving, “If you keep it up, I will shave your head.” It goes back to something my grandfather, Tom, used to say, “I’m going to snatch you bald-headed.” The day before break, I thought this would be a good idea.
Teacher burnout is real. I have been questioning if I can really be an effective second grade teacher. So many of my students do not care about school. They want to avoid doing anything hard and will not consider the idea that a little hard work and mental pain will help them. I know, I know. Their brains do not work that way, but that is not really accurate. Their brains work just fine, they just don’t know how to problem solve yet.
My goal for the fourth quarter of this school year is to teach my children the beginning of problem solving. I want them to be able to think their way through a math problem, for example, or tell me why they like something or feel a certain way. I want them to question things and not just accept that life happens to them. I want them to take a stance, make a change, live their best life.
My kids frustrate me. They make me think about mean ways to torment them like shaving their head. They make me miss working in call centers sometimes, but they also fucking need me. I must remind myself of that. They fucking need me.
*****
“Mr. Reardon! JJ pushed me.”
“Mr. Reardon! Why are you old? What’s it like?”
“Mr. Weirden! I have a loose tooth.”
“Mr. R! Deonna is eating sugar again!”
(Needed to exorcize some of those demons)
*****
I will be switching back to teaching online next year, which is a blessing with Rhondi out of state for several months with her dad. This means I can stay in Maine a bit longer than last year and enjoy family time back there. It will also mean a different type of classroom management which is becoming my forte. As much as I like to complain about my students driving me crazy, I really do have the best-behaved class on campus. This is a constant effort, though.
I am a bit apprehensive about getting lazy next year. If a student is talking out of turn, I can just mute them. I did not have to mute many kids last year, but it was nice to be able to mute them, or if they were being bad, turn off their camera or just zap them into the interwebs. I had a couple who were notorious for watching TV during class. They would look shocked if they heard me talking about them. The “How does he know” look would flash across their face. I loved it.
I have a good thing going, though, with my classroom management chops and I want to keep it going, so I’m torn about my decision to go back online. It is the best thing, though, for my family. It makes it easier to be where Liam and Teresa need me to be while Rhondi is gone and if something were to happen, I can always work from Maine. I like that idea a lot.
*****
As much as I would miss many aspects of Phoenix, not being here just looks better and better all the time. When I was in my twenties, I would never have thought that Phoenix would get too big for me, but it has. I do not want to live in a megalopolis that is not named New York. I think, if money weren’t an object, I could live in New York City, at least for a good long while. There is so much to see and do and learn about there. I want to go back.
The allure of New York also has to do with you don’t need to spend an hour in the car to get across town. Phoenix is so spread out, much like the beautiful cities in Southern California. I do not think there would be any shortage of things to write about in any large city, but New York would be my first choice if I had to keep living a huge place. Boston is great, too. I like it there. I used to love San Francisco, but I fear it is not the town I used to love anymore.
I am rambling.
See you tomorrow.
Wouldn't you like to live there? Lake house in the middle of Rangeley Lake in Maine.
I once got some advice, and I forget where, but it was basically, "Live in LA at least for a while, but leave before it makes you jaded, and live in Northern California for a while, but leave before it makes you soft." I think you could swap out other locations and have the same result. NYC would kill me, but I could see you digging it.