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Entry date: 8-28-2022 - the In-Between - Letters to My Friends

Dear Friends,

It’s baffling to me that August is almost over and, by the way, happy Sunday. The month has been a busy one, so far. We came back from Maine almost four weeks ago already, and it feels like I’ve barely blinked. Falling into a routine is one of those things that seems easy once you’re in it, but in the beginning, it feels terrible.

I can’t help but feel like I’m in the midst of what I will call the “in-between time.” This is not just because Rhondi and I are currently separated by time and distance. I feel like I am in between in several facets of life, too. Outside of my job and Ergonomic Mischief, everything else kind of feels like it is waiting for something to happen. I don’t like that feeling.

I’ve touched on this, but I come from a long line of worriers on my mother’s side. I’ve gotten better about not worrying about things and dealing with ups and downs as they come, but this feeling of waiting for something to happen certainly kicks in the instinct to worry. Luckily, I’m not really sure what to worry about.

Sure, there are the old standbys. There is never enough money to feel truly comfortable, but I know I am not alone in this, and I’ve always managed to come out pretty darn okay. I mentioned house projects last week. Those will always be there, and something is bound to break or whatever every once in a while. These things, too, can be overcome and forgotten.

Living with two teenagers is always an “in-between time.” I feel fortunate to be living with two pretty darn good ones, but if I were to complain about anything, it is the “in-between” nature of their moods. For example, today I must wonder if they will be in the mood to listen? Lately, certain words that come out of my mouth like “chores” or “wake up” seem to be either incomprehensible or just completely uninteresting to them.

Musically, I am in limbo. I don’t have a tremendous drive to make music but the idea of it is still intriguing to me. If the right opportunity came along, I could probably get excited about it. Probably, though, is a terrible word. It doesn’t fit in with a “Do it now” attitude.

Due to circumstances both life-driven and unfortunate, The Father Figures will be on the shelf for an indeterminate amount of time as a performing group. Because of my job, though, I am constantly listening to music which makes me feel like I should be making music. I just don’t know what I should make.

I did get out the drum machine that my friend, Mark, loaned me about a year or more ago. I’ve looked at it. I have yet to plug it in. I’ve also considered plugging in the interface I purchased at the onset of the pandemic so I could record bass onto my computer. It’s still in the box, but I’ve looked at it, too.

Progress can be slow in the “in-between.”

I started today, though, by hitting some golf balls. That is a good antidote for the “in-between” lately, but even that will move to an “in-between” stage soon enough when the fees go back up. I’m just not down with paying an arm and a leg to do anything anymore. I’m getting a bit cheap in my old(er) age, and I have no idea what to funnel extra money into, assuming I have it over the winter.

One thing I have been doing again is going to the gym on a regular basis. I’ve been sore a lot lately and look forward to getting past that stage. Taking two months off doing any type of weights is hard to bounce back from quickly these days. I won’t say it’s fun, but it is something. Maybe I should start playing a little basketball when I go down to the gym?

Part of the reason I am going to the gym, to be honest, is that I really don’t like what I see when I look in the mirror these days. I don’t have the greatest self-image when it comes to my body and never have. Growing up, I was always a little on the pudgy side and was never comfortable with taking my shirt off in front of people.

There have really only been a few parts of my life where I felt okay with that and had a modicum of confidence and that sucks. It is a terrible feeling to feel as if you have to hide who you are. I have never talked too much about this to anyone other than Rhondi and even then, I haven’t fully opened up about it. I know a lot of people who struggle with body image, and I can tell myself that I’m not alone in it, but it still sucks.

What I am currently doing, though, is to tell myself to let that stuff go. I am who I am. I sort of like exercising and love to do things like basketball and skateboarding, but those just aren’t the most realistic option for my knee anymore. I love to hike and kayak but I live in Arizona at the moment, and it is fucking hot.

When I exercise, I start to feel better and the old body tightens up a bit, but the reality of being almost 53 is that my body is pretty much going to be what it is from here on out. I can either avoid swimming with friends or going shirtless when it is hot because I don’t like how my torso looks or I can embrace life and just be who I am. I’m working on it. I’m tired of being “in-between” feeling inadequate on several levels and being comfortable with who I am.

This certainly took a turn, today, didn’t it? I did not plan on sharing this at all when I sat down to write, but here we are at the thousand-word mark again. Funny how the brain works is all I can say. I’m in between comfort and discomfort and I really want to choose comfort.

See you tomorrow.

This picture just screams "in-between." Rhondi took it when we were on our way to LA.

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