Dear Friends,
Our travel day was an interesting one. Liam and I had a good talk about how things felt really strange to us as we were walking through the airport. Normally, we would have both been very excited to get to Maine, but this time was different and I’m pretty sure I mentioned this yesterday, too.
We were both feeling a lot of apprehension.
I have to say I am very proud of how Liam has handled this loss. He has allowed himself to be vulnerable to his mom and I and has not held back his emotions, at least from what I have seen. He and Doug were very close, and I know how hard this is on him. I applaud his ability to feel his way through these feelings.
It was a tough trip up from Portland. Rhondi picked us up and took us to a really cool place called Two Lights Park that overlooks part of Casco Bay. It’s quite stunning, really, and was a good place for us to soak up being back in Maine in a safe way.
We made a stop at Costco and Rhondi put on a mix she has been working on for the visitation and reception in two weeks. It was sad and I spent a good amount of time with tears in my eyes. She picked some real humdingers for bringing on the waterworks.
As we drove up I-95 and then through Lewiston and Auburn before going up into the hills, there was more waterworks. The reality of Doug’s death was really hitting me. We were here and he is not. He is gone and not coming back. I’ve been telling myself this and how he is at peace and that he wouldn’t have made it this far either way, but it different when you face it.
As we got into Rangeley, Liam and I were feeling a lot of emotions. He got very quiet, and I just cried silently listening to the Beatles’ songs Rhondi had picked. Then “Wild Horses” by the Rolling Stones came on and it was a lot.
We turned into the driveway and the house looked a little different to me. I didn’t really have time to let that soak in as we had a lot of stuff to bring into the house and Liam disappeared to the bathroom, I think, so I busted my hump (along with Rhondi) to empty the car and put stuff away.
The strangest thing was that I didn’t feel Doug’s presence here at first. Even when I went into his room, there was no real sense of him in there. The house seems devoid of the spirit I had expected to feel.
It’s weird to write that he’s not here. I mean, I know he’s not here. He’s gone. He’s off being part of the universe in whatever form that takes. It’s a very final feeling now that I am here.
It feels like a new time. A scary, new time that the footing is not quite solid in yet. Doug was the person in Maine, from Maine, that I trusted. He knew the answers, usually, or knew who to ask. Now I must learn things for myself.
There was a sense of identity, too, that seems lost now. I took pride in telling people that I would meet in town that I was Doug’s son-in-law. When it was someone that knew him, they would light up a little because he was a guy people liked and respected around here. Even if they didn’t know him, they knew of the H&R Block sign on route 4 that used to be there.
Now I don’t want to hear how sorry people are or realize that the town is moving forward (and will continue to do so someday after all of us are gone). That time of my life is over. It’s a new world.
I have felt this way before. I have experienced loss. Profound loss and life changing loss is no stranger to me. I know that we will be fine, and we while we will always miss him, it won’t hurt as much. Eventually we will tell stories about him and laugh and remember the good times.
Rhondi said it feels good that we are here. That is really what I should be focused on. That’s what I will focus on over the next two weeks. We have work to do, but Doug did teach us well. We will be fine.
*****
It was very sad to see that Kris Kristofferson died on 9/28. I am a big fan of his and got to interview him almost exactly ten years ago. I didn’t end up going to the show at Celebrity Theater for some reason, probably had a gig of my own, but it was fun to talk with him. He would have talked longer, but his wife was making sure he stuck to the time limit.
He was a real gentleman, that’s for sure. God Speed, Mr. K. Thanks for giving me a little bit of your time.
*****
I had heard that Husker Du was a band that you should listen to sometime in 1984 or 85 and I had seen them on the MTV. I liked what I had heard, and a cassette of Flip Your Wig found its way into my possession after one of my trips to the Tower Records on 19th Ave and Montebello (I owe them so much money).
Flip Your Wig became a favorite of mine very quickly. Part of me felt like I was cool because none of the people I was hanging out with at that time had the record. Being a record snob came easily to me.
Bob Mould’s guitar is what first really drew me to the record. I love his tone. It’s probably still my favorite thing about Flip Your Wig. The guitars sound huge. They also have a quality to them that makes it seem like they are swirling around your head when you listen to this record really loud.
I used to play it a lot when I was skateboarding on my ramp in the backyard. The combination of Flip Your Wig and Mclusky’s Do Dallas would get me through a lot of sessions. Sometimes I would throw on the Consumers’ All My Friends Are Dead, too, if I was feeling really lively.
The song that floated my boat the most (and still does) is “Makes No Sense At All.” It’s a love, love, love thing for me with that one. I’ve wanted to do a cover of it so many times but I’ve never really been in the right situation to do it justice. I think it would need to be reimagined, but I don’t want to fuck it up.
For one thing, I can really relate to the idea that “walking around with your head in the clouds makes no sense at all.” I’ve done a lot of that over the years, thinking about what could be rather than just going out and making something happen that the song is a nice reminder to get off my ass and do things.
The pace of the song, the sound, the lyrics…it all just worked for me as a 16-year-old. I picked up the vinyl (and the CD when it came out) and listened to the record a lot over the years, but always paying close attention to “Makes No Sense At All.” It’s my jam.
I do enjoy the whole record, though. I like the Grant Hart songs, too, and totally dig “Every Everything” and “The Baby Song” a lot. I also love ‘Green Eyes” and “Keep Hanging On.” Those songs are excellent, but most of my favorite are Mould songs.
“Hate Paper Doll” and “Divide and Conquer” are pretty epic. Both of them please me to know end, especially the latter of the two. Mould’s angst seemed to be similar to my own, but I really didn’t know anything about the guy until later. One thing I wish is that I would have paid more attention to his other stuff.
There is still time, I suppose.
At forty minutes long, Flip Your Wig is a meaty record. There is a lot to sink your teeth into on the fourteen tracks. I fully regret never getting to see Husker Du live. It’s too bad that Hart had to go and die. What a huge loss for the music community at large.
*****
See you tomorrow.
Good man. Thanks for the image, AI.
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